you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
