i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize