im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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