someone threw a dead crab at me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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