She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize