We won't sleep together?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
