Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
