theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
