we're chasing vodka with high fives
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
