We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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