I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
