When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
