First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
