Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
