WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
