why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
