Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
