And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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