i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
