I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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