i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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