He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She said her name was "party"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
