Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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