He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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