Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
