im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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