Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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