I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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