i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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