Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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