I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
