apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
