I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Randomize
