So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
