a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
