I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
