im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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