Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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