'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
