He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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