I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
