I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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