I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
