I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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