why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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