Swine flu. Run for my life!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize