so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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