you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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