I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
