just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
