Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize